This will be a difficult blog post and not only for me, but for those that know me and others who can relate.
I had an epiphany that started yesterday morning and really hammered home today.
I choose to be fat.
On the surface, this seems like a really stupid concept. It’s illogical, goes against health concerns and is the opposite of what our culture is constantly telling us.
It took me 25 minutes yesterday to find a shirt to wear to work because almost all of the ones I own are now too big. I’m down to 4 shirts that don’t fall off my shoulders or show cleavage. As I was driving to work, I realized that small changes I’ve made in the way I eat, along with more frequent trips to the chiropractor so I can move around more with less pain, have lead to some weight loss. How much, I have no idea – I don’t own a scale. Frankly, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to be let down. In the past when this has happened, my weight remained the same or it even increased! This is one of the games lymphedema plays on you. It moves fluid around and makes you think you’ve lost weight when it is is just lymph fluid shuffling around from your arm to your butt.
At the start of this year, I made the goal to give up soda, something I was drinking on a daily basis, at least one bottle of Cherry Coke, something two or even three. It was my crutch to deal with stress at work and stress of life in general. I didn’t have any soda at all until the last two months when the stress really kicked in. My contract job ends in early September. I was rear ended by a semi and trailer on July 31st and there are issues with his insurance so I had to fork out the $500 deductible and cover the $400 car rental, leaving me with very little cash. I have really bad health insurance through the employment agency. It has a $6,000 deductible and the co-pays for my prescriptions are through the roof. My back went out severely over Independence Day weekend and then two weeks later during a singles conference my church had that I had really, really wanted to attend. The person I’m in love with doesn’t love me back. Blah blah blah. Back on the soda wagon I went.
Shortly thereafter, back on the fast food wagon I went to, jumping on with both feet. This is also another vice I have that I had been avoiding very well.
Last night, I ate fast food and ice cream and consumed three sodas yesterday.
After feeling my teeth rotting away last night and not feeling well at all, I was lying on my bed, realizing that I chose to eat that garbage, even spending money when I shouldn’t have since I’m freaking poor right now, because I am afraid of losing weight. I don’t want to lose this security blanket. That lead to more introspection and trying to find out what the heck is going on in my head and my heart.
It all boils down to the following: Being fat keeps the douche bags away.
I was a pretty good looking woman before I took The Pill and my life changed forever, but a great portion of that change was the fact that I stuffed my face with sugar and fast food. I was engaged to a guy named Matthew when I weighed 160 pounds, wore size 14 pants and could salsa dance for 4 hours straight without taking a break. When we broke up, my heart snapped in half. I was 24 and had never cared for sweets or junk food. I remember making the conscious decision that I never wanted to feel that heart ache again and going to Safeway and buying a cheesecake, which I had never bought before, took it home and ate it like an animal in one sitting, making myself sick and forcing myself to finish it all at once. I cried over him for two years. It was one of the lowest points of my life. Everything went to hell. That’s a story for another time.
I bring it up because that’s where being fat started. I had been molested by family members, friends my own age when I was a kid, a friend of my brother’s, and strangers all as a kid. I had been raped when I was 22 and sexually assaulted a few times as a young adult. I dated a lot and had many boyfriends and made a lot of poor choices when it came to relationships. But it wasn’t until I actually trusted Matthew and he stabbed my heart with the worst kind of disloyalty and pain that I no longer wanted anything to do with any man again.
I then made another poor choice in a guy, getting engaged to Rick, who I now have a lifelong civil restraining order against. Then I married Chris, and what a treat that was. I ignored all of the blatant, obvious signs and outright statements to my face that he was a sex addict, a narcissist, a liar and a user. It wasn’t until I found his written statement about how he hated my body that I started to wake up to the nightmare I was in. When he forced me to have sex and then cheated on me and refused to go to counseling, lying to our bishop’s face, I finally escaped.
I don’t want to be raped again. I don’t want to attract a narcissist again. I don’t want to marry a douche bag again.
I’ve had one solid, good relationship with a man in my entire life. We are best friends. He loves me for me, not my looks. He’s the only man I have known my whole life that loves me regardless of my appearance.
So, I’ve been thinking today about how I can overcome the fear of being an appropriate weight again. I need to because I miss dancing, having energy, and don’t want to get diabetes or a heart attack which both run in the family. I’m also tired of being judged by people who automatically think I’m dumb, lazy or childlike because I’m obese. I know that I’ve been passed over for jobs I’m qualified and over qualified for because of my size. I’ve also healed enough to be ready to date again, and no one who is physically healthy and mentally healthy wants to date a fat girl with image problems.
I did a Google search and came across this article Afraid To Be Thin. I wanted to find something that would help me get over my fear of attracting buttholes who would only pay attention to my body and not ME and/or try to hurt or use me because of having a healthy, attractive figure again. In the article, it suggests writing down 25 answers to, “I am afraid to be thin because…” to get a breakthrough.
Here are my answers with free thinking, no editing. Pure vulnerability here.
- I am afraid to be thin because I was raped.
- I am afraid to be thin because I was molested.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want to attract attention to myself.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want guys whistling and cat calling at me all day long like they did before.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want guys grabbing me off the street, trying to rip off my clothes or ambushing me in public like before.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want a returned missionary trying to rape me at a church dance again.
- I am afraid to be thin because I married a sex addict and narcissist who pretended to care about me and then after we were married I found out what a black hole of a heart he had and he just used me like a sex doll.
- I am afraid to be thin because I wasn’t true to my values when I was thin before.
- I am afraid to be thin because I know who my real friends are as a fat person.
- I am afraid to be thin because people would constantly ask me questions about my body parts like I was made in a factory, not a real person, like “Are your boobs real?” and “Are those real eyelashes?” and “Where did you get your hair?” and “Why do you have such hairy arms?” No one asks me these questions now. No one has any interest in my body at all and I like it!
- I am afraid to be thin because I was hit a lot.
- I am afraid to be thin because cops would pull me over for no reason.
- I am afraid to be thin because of the warning in my patriarchal blessing.
- I am afraid to be thin because you are never pretty or thin enough.
- I am afraid to be thin because I get comfort from food and don’t want to think about fat and sugar content.
- I am afraid to be thin because I feel safe.
- I am afraid to be thin because when I want to be left alone now, I am. I’m practically ignored all of the time except when I speak loudly.
- I am afraid to be thin because of all the money to buy a new wardrobe.
- I am afraid to be thin because I hate fake people and they hardly acknowledge me now.
- I am afraid to be thin because I hated guys staring at my body parts.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t own a .44 magnum nor do I know how to use one.
- I am afraid to be thin because society is hedonistic and I don’t want to bend to their requirements.
- I am afraid to be thin because I know I’ll end up in jail now if some ass tries to touch me again.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want to find out that people who are my friends now would leave me.
- I am afraid to be thin because I don’t want to fall in love again and be fooled that he really loves me.
Now I’m going to write 25 reasons why I WANT to be thin.
- I want to be thin to get rid of, or heal as much as possible, the lymphedema.
- I want to be thin so I can go dancing again, if the stupid lymphedema will allow it (can’t do a lot because of the jumping, etc. really jams up the pain on the legs).
- I want to be thin so I don’t get some other horrid disease or health problems.
- I want to be thin so I have the energy of bouncing off the ceiling for hours again.
- I want to be thin for the fantastic sex.
- I want to be thin so I am happier with my overall self.
- I want to be thin so I can buy clothes for $3 at the thrift store again and stop paying $50 for fat pants.
- I want to be thin so I can keep up with babies and kids. Eventually, I want to adopt one.
- I want to be thin for a GOOD man who will love ALL of me, unconditionally, and not dump me, cheat on me or leave me because I get sick or gain 10 pounds.
- I want to be thin because it will improve my singing.
- I want to be thin because I’ll have more energy to get more accomplished in the day.
- I want to be thin so I can be a better role model for said future adopted kid.
- I want to be thin so people will listen to me and I won’t be ignored just on appearance.
- I want to be thin because it’s tiring carrying this fat bod around.
- I want to be thin so I can take a bubble bath again.
- I want to be thin so I can go swimming and play volleyball again.
- I want to be thin so I don’t have to wear a stupid fatsuit under my clothes anymore.
- I want to be thin to help my body regulate its temperature better.
- I want to be thin so I can ride roller coasters again.
- I want to be thin so I’m treated like a human being when I’m a customer.
- I want to be thin so I’m healthier and have a better chance of serving a mission.
- I want to be thin so I can perform more acts of service and not die out so darn fast.
- I want to be thin so I never break another chair from my fat butt again – once was enough.
- I want to be thin so doctors will listen to me and actually help me instead of assuming I’m just fat like they did when I had gigantic tumors growing for years.
- I want to be thin so I can have less trips to the chiropractor, as I’ll be able to be more active.
It was hard coming up with the last 5-7 things for both lists, but I feel accomplished that I even did this at all instead of trying to ignore reality.
I’m making the following commitments today:
- No fast food.
- No soda.
- Walk for 30 minutes a day.
- Remind myself every day that I am NOT who I was 23 years ago, nor who I was 5 or even 2 years ago! I am a very strong, determined woman who lives her beliefs and would never be a victim again.
Whatever your trial or fear in your life, I wish you the very best of success. Remember that God loves you unconditionally and even when you feel totally alone, like I have many times throughout my life, you always have Him. Pray to Him and tell Him everything you feel, even when you’re angry, confused and don’t know what the freak is going on or why it is in your life.
My hope in sharing my difficulties with others is that they will uplift and inspire at least one person.
God bless you all.